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Thread: Pappy's jokes.....Pappy has left his Temporary Home

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    Pappy's jokes.....Pappy has left his Temporary Home

    Jesus in the House


    • Once there was this very wealthy young man. He lived in a great, elaborate house with dozens of rooms. Each room was more comfortable and more beautiful than the one before it. There were paintings and sculptures; crystal chandeliers; golden, ornate railings on the stairs. More beauty than most have ever seen.

      One day he decided to invite the Lord to come home and stay with him. When the Lord arrived, this young man offered him the very best room in the house. The room was upstairs and at the end of the hall. "This room is yours, Jesus! Stay as long as you like and you can do whatever you want to in this room. Remember Jesus, it's all yours."

      That evening after he had retired for the night there came a loud knocking at the front door. The young man pulled on his robe and made his way downstairs. When he opened the door, he found that the devil had sent three of his demons to attack the man. He quickly tried to close the door, but one of the demons kept sticking his foot in. Sometime later, after a great struggle, he managed to slam the door shut and returned to his room, totally exhausted.

      "Can you believe that," the man thought. "Jesus is upstairs in my very best room sleeping while I am down here battling demons. Oh, well, maybe he just didn't hear." He slept fitfully that night.

      The next day thing went along as normal and, being tired as he was, the young man retired early that evening. Along about midnight, there came such a terrible ruckus at the front door that the young man was sure that whatever it was would tear the door down. He stumbled down the stairs once again and opened the door to find that were dozens of demons now trying to get into his beautiful home.

      For more than three hours he fought and struggled against the demons from hell and finally overtook them enough to shut the door against their attack. All energy seemed to fail him. He really didn't understand this at all. "Why won't the Lord come to my rescue? Why does he allow me to fight all by myself? I feel so alone." Troubled, he found his way to the sofa and fell into a restless sleep.

      The next morning he decided to inquire of the Lord about the happenings of the last two evenings. Quietly he made his way to the elegant bedroom where he had left Jesus. "Jesus," he called as he tapped at the door. "Lord, I don't understand what is happening. For the last two nights I have had to fight the demons away from my door while you laid up here sleeping. Don't you care about me? Did I not give you the very best room in the house?"

      He could see the tears building in Jesus' eyes but continued on, "I just don't understand. I really thought that once I invited you in to live with me that you would take care of me and I gave you the best room in my house and everything. What more can I do?"

      "My precious child," Jesus spoke so softly, "I do love and care for you. I protect all that you have released into my care. But when you invited me to come here and stay, you brought me to this lovely room and you shut the door to the rest of your house. I am Lord of this room but I am not Master of this house. I have protected this room and no demon may enter here."

      "Oh, Lord, please forgive me. Take all of my house - it is yours. I am so sorry that I never offered you all to begin with. I want you to have control of everything." With this, he flung open the bedroom door and knelt at Jesus' feet. "Please forgive me, Lord, for being so selfish."

      Jesus smiled and told him that He had already forgiven him and that He would take care of things from now on. That night as the young man prepared for bed, he thought, "I wonder if those demons will return. I am so tired of fighting them each and every night." But he knew that Jesus said that He would take care of things from now on.

      Along about midnight the banging on the door was frightening. The young man slipped out of his room in time to see Jesus going down the stairs. He watched in awe as Jesus swung open the door, no need to be afraid.

      Satan stood at the door this time demanding to be let in. "What do you want, satan?" the Lord asked. The devil bowed low in the presence of the Lord, "So sorry, I seem to have gotten the wrong address." And with that, he and the demons all ran away.

      There is a moral to this tale. Jesus wants all of you, not just a part. He will take all that you give Him but nothing more. How much of your heart have you given to the Lord? Are you keeping a portion of it away from Him?

      Perhaps the attacks are coming more and more each day. Why not let the Lord fight the battles for you? He is always victorious. I have found that God made man simple, all of man's complexities are of his own devising.

    • ~ Source Unknown ~

    Last edited by cassie2; 03-24-2013 at 10:22 AM.

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    Thanks Pappy.

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    Advanced Notice...A bishop visited a church in his diocese.Onlythree people showed up to hear him preach.He asked the vicar "Did you givenotice of my visit?" "No " replied the vicar, "but the wordseems to have got around."

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    How old?..
    .A young child asked a women how old she was.She answered,"39 and
    holding".The child thought for a moment,then said, 'And how old would you be if you let go?"

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    Swimming Lesson

    A member of the country club asked the lifeguard how he
    might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

    "It takes considerable time and technique," replied the
    guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place
    one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her
    right arm and raise it very slowly..."

    "This is certainly most helpful," said the member. "I know
    that my kid sister will appreciate it."

    "Your sister?" asked the lifeguard. "In that case, just push
    her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

     

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    Young Cleryman...
    A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary,thought it would help him to better understand he fears and temptations of his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.Among other questions, he was asked,"What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"He thought for a moment and then said,"I would take up a collection".

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    Letters to the Pastor
    Dear Pastor I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.Yours sincerely Arnold Age 8 Nashville
    Dear Pastor My father should be a minister.Every day he gives us a sermon about something Robert Age 11
    Dear Pastor.I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland Loreen Age9 Tacoma
    Dear Pastor Please say a prayer for our
    Little League team.We needGod's help or a new pitcher.Thank You. Alexander. Age 10 Raleigh
    Dear Pastor.I would like to to Heaven someday because I know my brother wont be there Stephen Age 8 Chicago

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    tanding room only,
    no room to kneel and pray.
    Standing room only,
    on the judgment day.
    "Last night I had an awful dream
    that the end of time had come,
    the trumpets had been sounding
    and life on earth was done.
    An angel stood one foot on land,
    the other foot on sea,
    and as I tried to kneel and pray.....
    a voice said unto me.
    "There's standing room only,
    its too late now to pray.
    There's standing room only,
    this is the judgment day."
    People filled each church
    and church yard just
    as far as I could see,
    I heard a pitiful cry for mercy,
    and then I realized it was me
    I saw the Savior then appear
    as he split the Eastern sky.
    I saw tears of joy on a
    Christians face,
    and I heard the sinners cry,
    and as I tried to touch his hand
    with one last feeble plea,
    I cried again....."have mercy,
    have mercy Lord on me."
    I saw a tear come to his eye,
    as he turned my soul away
    I didn't know Him yesterday,
    and He knew me not today.....
    The earth was burning all around,
    the world went up in smoke
    and as the flames engulfed me,
    thank God, I awoke.
    Then I got out of bed,
    and got down on my knees,
    and you should have heard me pray.
    For in my dream I witnessed
    Gods great judgment day.
    Standing room only
    on Gods great judgment day...
    Send Standing Room Only

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    Ice Cream is good for the Soul...Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six -year-old son asked if he could say grace.As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good.God is great.Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert.And Liberty and justice for all!." Along with the laughter, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country.
    Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me "Did I do wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer". "Really?" my son asked."Cross my heart" Then, in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life.He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman With a big smile he told her,"Here, this is for you.Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."

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    Old maid's burglar
    A story I'll tell of a burglar bold

    Who started to rob a house;

    He opened the window, and then crept in

    As quiet as a mouse.

    He looked around for a place to hide,

    'Till the folks were all asleep,

    Then said he, "With their money

    I'll take a quiet sneak."

    So under the bed the burglar crept;

    He crept up close to the wall;

    He didn't know it was an old maid's room

    Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

    He thought of the money that he would steal,

    As under the bed he lay;

    But at nine o'clock he saw a sight

    That made his hair turn gray.

    At nine o'clock the old maid came in;

    "I am so tired," she said;

    She thought that all was well that night

    So she didn't look under the bed.

    She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,

    And the hair from off her head;

    The burglar, he had forty fits

    As he watched from under the bed.

    From under the bed the burglar crept,

    He was a total wreck;

    The old maid wasn't asleep at all

    And she grabbed him by the neck.

    She didn't holler, or shout or call,

    She was as cool as a clam;

    She only said, "The Saints be praised,

    At last I've got a man!"

    From under the pillow a gun she drew,

    And to the burglar she said,

    "Young man, if you don't marry me,

    I'll blow off the top of your head!"

    She held him firmly by the neck,

    He hadn't a chance to scoot;

    He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

    And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"



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    Jury Selection....An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin.In preparation for the trial,the tiresome jury selection process took place,each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.One potential juror, Dan O'Keefe was called for his question session. He was asked,"Property Holder?" Dan replied,"Yes I am,Your Honor." Then he was asked, "Married or single?" Dan responded,"Married for twenty years,Your Honor" Then the judge asked,"Formed or expressed an opinion?" Dan stated with certainty,"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

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    All Aboard...
    First Guy (proudly):"My wife's an angel!"
    Second Guy : "You're lucky,mine's still alive."

    Girl: "Do you love me?"
    Boy:"Yes ,Dear
    Girl:: "Would you die for me?"
    Boy: "No way, mine is an undying love"

    First thief: "Oh no! The cops are here.Quick jump out thewindow!."
    2nd thief:: "But this is the 13th floor"
    Ist thief:"Hurry !This is no time for superstitions>"

    Lady:"Is this my train?"
    Station Master:"No, it belongs to the Railway Company"
    Lady:"Don't try to be funny.I mean to ask you can I take thistrain to Chicago?"
    Station Master: "No I'm afraid not,Madam it's too heavy"



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    Reason for Happiness-----Once my divorce was final,I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my drivers license."Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired."No " I replied" Oh good ," she said, clearly delighted. 'You got the house"
    Who am I......A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mothe r" Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said "I don't know ! Who are you?" 'WOW!" cried the child."Mrs.Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty , my own mother wouln't recognize me!"
    Eight year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.Her marks were good....mostly A''s and a couple of B's.However , her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.She talks too much in school.I have an idea I am going to try which I think may break her of the habit. Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it on her mother."
    Kids on Love...Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.....Kari age 8
    Love is when you kiss all the time.Then when you get tired of kissing,you still want to be together and you talk more.My mommy and daddy are like that They look gross when they kiss....Emily age 8
    Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken...Elaine age 5
    If you want to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate....Nikki age 6
    Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.....Terri age 4
    You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it.But if you mean it you should say it a lot. People forget Jessica...age 8.

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    Keeping Secrets...At a dinner party,several of the guests werearguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman,"saidone man ,scornfully "can keep a secret." "I don't know aboutthat," answered a woman guest. I have kept my age a secret since I wastwenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted 'I hardly think so!, responded the lady.'when a woman has kept a secret fortwenty-seven years,she can keep it forever."

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    A beggar lived near the king's palace. One day he saw a proclamation posted outside the palace gate. The king was giving a great dinner. Anyone dressed in royal garments was invited to the party.


    The beggar went on his way. He looked at the rags he was wearing and sighed. Surely only kings and their families wore royal robes, he thought. Slowly an idea crept into his mind. The audacity of it made him tremble. Would he dare?

    He made his way back to the palace. He approached the guard at the gate. "Please, sire, I would like to speak to the king." "Wait here," the guard replied. In a few minutes, he was back. "His majesty will see you," he said, and led the beggar in.

    "You wish to see me?" asked the king. "Yes, your majesty. I want so much to attend the banquet, but I have no royal robes to wear. Please, sir, if I may be so bold, may I have one of your old garments so that I, too, may come to the banquet?"

    The beggar shook so hard that he could not see the faint smile that was on the king's face. "You have been wise in coming to me," the king said. He called to his son, the young prince. "Take this man to your room and array him in some of your clothes."

    The prince did as he was told and soon the beggar was standing before a mirror, clothed in garments that he had never dared hope for. "You are now eligible to attend the king's banquet tomorrow night," said the prince. "But even more important, you will never need any other clothes. These garments will last forever." The beggar dropped to his knees. "Oh, thank you," he cried.

    But as he started to leave, he looked back at his pile of dirty rags on the floor. He hesitated. What if the prince was wrong? What if he would need his old clothes again. Quickly he gathered them up.

    The banquet was far greater than he had ever imagined, but he could not enjoy himself as he should. He had made a small bundle of his old rags and it kept falling off his lap. The food was passed quickly and the beggar missed some of the greatest delicacies.

    Time proved that the prince was right. The clothes lasted forever. Still the poor beggar grew fonder and fonder of his old rags. As time passed people seemed to forget the royal robes he was wearing. They saw only the little bundle of filthy rags that he clung to wherever he went. They even spoke of him as the old man with the rags.

    One day as he lay dying, the king visited him. The beggar saw the sad look on the king's face when he looked at the small bundle of rags by the bed. Suddenly the beggar remembered the prince's words and he realized that his bundle of rags had cost him a lifetime of true royalty. He wept bitterly at his folly.
    And the king wept with him.
    We have all been invited into the royal family--the family of God.
    To feast at God's dinner table, all we have to do is shed our old rags and put on the "new clothes" of faith which is provided by God's Son, Jesus Christ.

    But we cannot hold onto our old rags. When we put our faith in Christ, we must let go of the sin in our life, and our old ways of living. Those things must be discarded if we are to experience true royalty and abundant life in Christ.



    What are you holding on to from your life before knowing Jesus? Whatever it is, get rid of it! God will give you everything you need ... you don't need to rely on the world to satisfy you anymore!

    Have a great week!

    Your friend in Christ,

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    Pappy, I hope you do not mind but I copied your last post and re-post it in black ink.

    A beggar lived near the king's palace. One day he saw a proclamation posted outside the palace gate. The king was giving a great dinner. Anyone dressed in royal garments was invited to the party.

    The beggar went on his way. He looked at the rags he was wearing and sighed. Surely only kings and their families wore royal robes, he thought. Slowly an idea crept into his mind. The audacity of it made him tremble. Would he dare?

    He made his way back to the palace. He approached the guard at the gate. "Please, sire, I would like to speak to the king." "Wait here," the guard replied. In a few minutes, he was back. "His majesty will see you," he said, and led the beggar in.

    "You wish to see me?" asked the king. "Yes, your majesty. I want so much to attend the banquet, but I have no royal robes to wear. Please, sir, if I may be so bold, may I have one of your old garments so that I, too, may come to the banquet?"

    The beggar shook so hard that he could not see the faint smile that was on the king's face. "You have been wise in coming to me," the king said. He called to his son, the young prince. "Take this man to your room and array him in some of your clothes."

    The prince did as he was told and soon the beggar was standing before a mirror, clothed in garments that he had never dared hope for. "You are now eligible to attend the king's banquet tomorrow night," said the prince. "But even more important, you will never need any other clothes. These garments will last forever." The beggar dropped to his knees. "Oh, thank you," he cried.

    But as he started to leave, he looked back at his pile of dirty rags on the floor. He hesitated. What if the prince was wrong? What if he would need his old clothes again. Quickly he gathered them up.

    The banquet was far greater than he had ever imagined, but he could not enjoy himself as he should. He had made a small bundle of his old rags and it kept falling off his lap. The food was passed quickly and the beggar missed some of the greatest delicacies.

    Time proved that the prince was right. The clothes lasted forever. Still the poor beggar grew fonder and fonder of his old rags. As time passed people seemed to forget the royal robes he was wearing. They saw only the little bundle of filthy rags that he clung to wherever he went. They even spoke of him as the old man with the rags.

    One day as he lay dying, the king visited him. The beggar saw the sad look on the king's face when he looked at the small bundle of rags by the bed. Suddenly the beggar remembered the prince's words and he realized that his bundle of rags had cost him a lifetime of true royalty. He wept bitterly at his folly.
    And the king wept with him.

    We have all been invited into the royal family--the family of God.
    To feast at God's dinner table, all we have to do is shed our old rags and put on the "new clothes" of faith which is provided by God's Son, Jesus Christ.

    But we cannot hold onto our old rags. When we put our faith in Christ, we must let go of the sin in our life, and our old ways of living. Those things must be discarded if we are to experience true royalty and abundant life in Christ.



    What are you holding on to from your life before knowing Jesus? Whatever it is, get rid of it! God will give you everything you need ... you don't need to rely on the world to satisfy you anymore!

    Have a great week!

    Your friend in Christ,

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    The police officer got out of his car, and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
    "I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
    The kid replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."
    When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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    English Essay...Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils.So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when little Jimmy handed in a poor paper"This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read,"ranted the teacher"It has too many mistakes.I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes." "One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively"My father helped me"
     

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    A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

    He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."

    Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

    When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

    By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

    Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

    "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

     

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    Not my Parish....A pastor had a bad week.On Sunday he was veryfrustrated and he began his sermon,"Everyone in this parish is going tohell if they don't change their ways." One man in the back began tolaugh.So the pastor said it again louder.The man continued to laugh.The pastorwent back to him and asked him why he was laughing.The man answered,"Because I don't belong to this parish!"


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